These Two Lovely Ladies Take Turns Tickling My Fancy

I stumbled upon Ms. Jhenny Andrade when I was staying up incredibly late to watch Ronda Rousey destroy another person in thirty four damn seconds! Ms. Jhenny's one of the Octagon Ring Girls.


I've never fancied flat booties on blonde broads but Ms. Jhenny is the only exception. And her bum's nowhere near flat. There's something slightly phat poking out a little freshness for me to rub on. Now that's what I call a bubble butt.






Sidenote: How terrifying-but-awesome is Ronda Rousey?


Also, for fellow fans of the UFC, in 2016 we might actually see that Cyborg Fight that we want to see with Ronda Rousey — 'cause she's dropping down to 140, and she might drop to 135 next year.

I'm excited about that because there's really no competition for Ronda Rousey right now. She was such a favorite that you had to bet two thousand dollars in Vegas to win one hundred dollars! It's like watching Cristiano Ronaldo dribble middle schoolers.

Another World Record Broken

The world record for the number of skydivers who jumped in the same location and at the same time was broken with the new number being 164 people!




The previous record was 138 people in 2012.

Crane Collapse At Mecca Mosque Kills Over One Hundred Pilgrims

A construction crane collapsed and crashed through the roof of a mosque in Mecca.


It killed over one hundred people and injured hundreds.


It broke my heart to see so many comments on social media saying that this was karma for 9/11.




That's ignorant, it's stupid, and it comes from a hateful place which is maybe why you're so blind to being ignorant and stupid.

Those were people! They were fathers, sons, husbands, wives, daughters! And not knowing the truth, you've grouped them with terrorists that killed people!

That's like saying all Christians (insert whatever denomination) are evil because people from that faith did something. It's such a blind and ignorant way to go through life.

#Karmadillo

For some reason, a Texas man saw an armadillo on his property and decided to shoot it.


Without further ado, he got his .38 revolver and shot at it three times!

While the status of the armadillo is currently unknown, at least one bullet did hit the armadillo, but it ricocheted back and hit the man douchebag in the face!


The man harebrained half-wit had to be airlifted to a hospital, and his jaw was wired shut!

Like how much do you suck at life that you lost a gunfight where you were the only person that had a gun?!? Spoiler alert: A lot — you suck a lot!

Sham Surgeon Shoots Silicone Injection Inaccurately Inside Unsuspecting Penis

38-year-old Kasia Rivera just plead guilty to being an unlicensed cosmetic surgeon who injected silicone into a man's penis incorrectly and killed him.


Authorities said that when she injected the silicone, it went directly into his bloodstream, later shutting down his organs and he died.



And when I say that she was unlicensed, I don't mean like she was licensed and she lost it, or she was on her way to getting it — she said she wasn't even trained to do this!


In exchange for her guilty plea, prosecutors are looking to get five years, and also, quick question: I understand a lot of men are insecure about their penis, but why would you beta test something on your body?! If penis enlargement stuff was real, and it worked, that shit would be on the cover of TIME magazine! And it would just be a picture of eighty guys with massive smiles!


No one's hiding the secret penis enlargement thing! That's not a billion dollar industry!! That's a trillion dollar industry!!!

And you'd know that this was a big thing because after the news broke and these pills (or whatever the hell) were released, the next story would be like 'The number of bruised cervices have gone up tenfold!'

Possibly the Biggest Innovation In the History of Tech Ever

As of September 16th, if you have an iPhone you get taco and burrito emojis.


This is the change we were promised, People!

The additions also include a unicorn, a race car, and possibly the most used emoji from this day forward — the middle finger emoji.


Sidenote: What's your favorite emoji, or emoji sequence? Mine is probably crying while laughing face.


Because when I'm lying about laughing out loud at something, I like people to think that it's just next-level.

Red Bull Blindness

Reportedly, 26-year-old Lena Lupari from Northern Ireland drinks 28 cans of Red Bull a day! Hell yeah you read that right. And she says she's going blind because of it.


I don't want to dive deeper into this story;

1. Why are you drinking 28 cans of Red Bull a day?!? Does Red Bull cure cancer, or fix stupid? 'Cause that's the only reason you should be drinking 28 cans a day!

Also,

2. There has been research published that shows that if you drink a certain amount of caffeine, it does increase the risk of blindness and vision loss.

But,

3. Even Red Bull — the company that gives you the drink — says not to consume more than two hundred milliliters a day!

People, living a long life is about moderation.