Sham Surgeon Shoots Silicone Injection Inaccurately Inside Unsuspecting Penis

38-year-old Kasia Rivera just plead guilty to being an unlicensed cosmetic surgeon who injected silicone into a man's penis incorrectly and killed him.


Authorities said that when she injected the silicone, it went directly into his bloodstream, later shutting down his organs and he died.



And when I say that she was unlicensed, I don't mean like she was licensed and she lost it, or she was on her way to getting it — she said she wasn't even trained to do this!


In exchange for her guilty plea, prosecutors are looking to get five years, and also, quick question: I understand a lot of men are insecure about their penis, but why would you beta test something on your body?! If penis enlargement stuff was real, and it worked, that shit would be on the cover of TIME magazine! And it would just be a picture of eighty guys with massive smiles!


No one's hiding the secret penis enlargement thing! That's not a billion dollar industry!! That's a trillion dollar industry!!!

And you'd know that this was a big thing because after the news broke and these pills (or whatever the hell) were released, the next story would be like 'The number of bruised cervices have gone up tenfold!'

Possibly the Biggest Innovation In the History of Tech Ever

As of September 16th, if you have an iPhone you get taco and burrito emojis.


This is the change we were promised, People!

The additions also include a unicorn, a race car, and possibly the most used emoji from this day forward — the middle finger emoji.


Sidenote: What's your favorite emoji, or emoji sequence? Mine is probably crying while laughing face.


Because when I'm lying about laughing out loud at something, I like people to think that it's just next-level.

Red Bull Blindness

Reportedly, 26-year-old Lena Lupari from Northern Ireland drinks 28 cans of Red Bull a day! Hell yeah you read that right. And she says she's going blind because of it.


I don't want to dive deeper into this story;

1. Why are you drinking 28 cans of Red Bull a day?!? Does Red Bull cure cancer, or fix stupid? 'Cause that's the only reason you should be drinking 28 cans a day!

Also,

2. There has been research published that shows that if you drink a certain amount of caffeine, it does increase the risk of blindness and vision loss.

But,

3. Even Red Bull — the company that gives you the drink — says not to consume more than two hundred milliliters a day!

People, living a long life is about moderation.

The Flooding In Japan

It is terrifying!


Reportedly, over one hundred thousand people have had to flee their homes because of this insane flooding due to heavy rainfall.



One of the worst affected places was the city of Joso. It's about thirty miles north of Tokyo and this water has just overtaken the city!



It's so crazy that Japanese military helicopters have been flying into the city and airlifting people off of their roofs.


It's a very slow process, but it's one of the only ways to get these people that are stuck there out.


Hopefully, all of this calms down soon. My best wishes go out to those affected.

The Prosthetic Penis Perplexity

There’s a woman suing her partner, someone that she was with for two years — that she was engaged to — because she claims she didn't realize that her partner was a woman. And that woman, 25-year-old Gayle Newland, denies the five counts of sexual assaults against her.


As far as the alleged victim not realizing that she was a woman, it was because everytime they met in person, she said that Gayle would make her wear a blindfold whether watching TV or having sex — that's when Gayle reportedly used a prosthetic penis.

And as far as why the alleged victim wore the blindfold and wore it for so long, she said Gayle — who she knew as Kye — told her he was recovering from a brain tumor and didn't want her to see his scars.


Also saying that the first time they met in public, Kye had bandages across her chest and covered her hair with a woolen hat.

And finally saying that the reason it took her so long to take off the blindfold and realize was that she was so desperate to be loved.


I don't know how this is not a story on The Onion.

Verizon's New 5G Horizons

Reportedly, Verizon is preparing to start testing 5G service.


In a press release, Verizon said that 5G is expected to be 50 times as fast as the current 4G LTE.

Of course, the big thing I always remind people anytime anyone makes an announcement: What they say something will be before that thing is even in existence, is rarely ever what it turns out to be.

And even with that they don't expect to have any sort of commercial deployment until 2017 at the earliest.


But, that said, or rather that typed, I am very excited! Super excited!!

Remember when 4G first came out and you were like Whaattt!!! Like before everybody got it, my phone was way faster than my home internet! I'm excited.

Sex News... Specifically, Who's Watching Porn

The reason Pornhub is one of my favorite sites on the internet isn't really the porn; is they have so many stats and analytics about who's watching it that I love it — also the porno.

The most recent information is: How old are people that are watching porn? According to their stats, the average male user is 36 while the women are 34. But, as one would kind of expect, the largest blocks go in this order:

18-24
25-34
35-44
45-54
55-64
65+, aka “People Who Say They're a Hundred Years Old to Get Past Age-Gating”



I'm 25, going on 26, but if there was an age-gated video, I was born January 1st, 1901. I should be allowed to watch this video; I went through two World Wars and saw the fall of Communism.

They also showcased the average age based on country. Three with the highest average age: Japan, Belgium and Italy.



They also showed top searches, the most popular categories based on age and this is interesting because you kind of see the evolution of one's perviness. Although in almost constant is apparently everyone wants to bang their stepmom! Like everyone!! And this is just touching the surface of all these analytics!!! I'm telling you, Pornhub loves analytics more than their 55+ and older users love searching for very very old granny.